DOGE Overcoming (Dumb) Haters

Department of Government Efficiency Announces Massive Budget Savings By Firing Half Its Leaders Before Existing

WASHINGTON—In a groundbreaking achievement for bureaucratic streamlining, the newly formed Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced today that it has already slashed billions from the federal budget—primarily by cutting 50% of its leadership positions before the agency was even officially established.

“We are setting a new standard for efficiency,” said Acting DOGE Secretary Chad McCutcheon, speaking from an empty office that used to house 12 deputy assistants to the associate director of paperwork reduction. “By eliminating leadership roles that had not yet been created, we have already reduced future government waste by an estimated $48 trillion over the next five decades. And that’s just the beginning.”

The department, founded last Tuesday, has already identified additional cost-saving measures, including canceling all unnecessary stapler purchases through 2093 and replacing all government vehicles with bicycles “for those who believe in America.” Future projections indicate that, by 2035, DOGE will have reduced government inefficiency to such a degree that federal spending will be negative, and the government will actually start making money just by existing.

However, the department’s bold vision has not been met without opposition. Critics have called DOGE’s claims “mathematically impossible,” “insane,” and “a surrealist joke that somehow got appropriations funding.” In response, DOGE leadership has clarified that anyone who doubts its mission is clearly anti-efficiency, unpatriotic, and, in some cases, possibly racist.

“Studies show that people who oppose DOGE are 83% more likely to be dumb and 97% more likely to hate puppies,” said Deputy Undersecretary for Strategic Belt-Tightening, Janet Quimby. “We’re not saying they should be exiled, but we’re not not saying that either.”

Despite the criticism, DOGE remains committed to its mission, with future initiatives including the creation of a time-travel-based budgetary oversight committee that will eliminate waste before it happens and the introduction of a ‘pay your own salary’ initiative for all federal employees.

At press time, DOGE had announced an additional $9 trillion in savings simply by deciding not to exist on Sundays.