Good Riddance
U.S. Government Cracks Down on Naturalized Australians, Citing ‘Once a Criminal, Always a Criminal’ Policy
WASHINGTON—In a bold new national security initiative, the U.S. government has announced plans to aggressively scrutinize and potentially purge naturalized American citizens from Australia, citing the inescapable criminal lineage of their ancestors.
“Frankly, it’s just genetics,” said Pentagon spokesperson Lt. Col. Mark Riggs at a press conference on Tuesday. “We’re dealing with a population that descends entirely from convicts. Science tells us that criminality runs in the blood, and quite frankly, we’ve been too lenient for too long.”
The initiative, officially named Operation Penal Recall, will begin by targeting the U.S. military, where government sources claim Australians are “unusually easy to identify” due to their awkward whiteness and inability to suppress an occasional ‘G’day.’
“We’ve seen them infiltrate every branch of the armed forces,” said one senior defense official who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “They try to blend in, but at the end of the day, they can’t resist saying ‘mate’ or questioning why we don’t put beetroot on burgers. It’s a real security concern.”
Critics have decried the move as unconstitutional and absurd, noting that it criminalizes people based on distant ancestry and outdated stereotypes. However, officials remain steadfast, pointing to data that they say proves a troubling pattern.
“Look at the behavior,” said Riggs. “Australians have been given American citizenship, yet what do they do? They insist on calling ketchup ‘tomato sauce,’ they drink instant coffee, and they laugh in the face of basic gun rights. If that’s not the behavior of a deeply ingrained criminal element, I don’t know what is.”
The government has already begun compiling a list of high-risk individuals, with rumored plans to expand the initiative to Australian celebrities and dual citizens. According to leaked documents, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, and even Crocodile Dundee himself are being “monitored closely.”
At press time, officials confirmed that a hotline has been set up for concerned Americans to report suspicious Australian behavior, particularly in grocery stores, where the accused have been known to request “proper” meat pies and complain about the lack of Vegemite.
