Trump Names ‘Dirty 15’ Countries with Worst Trade Policies, List Only Has 14 Countries on It

WASHINGTON—On Tuesday, the White House released President Donald Trump’s long-promised “Dirty 15” list of countries he claims are exploiting the United States through unfair trade practices. However, sharp-eyed observers quickly noticed that the list contained only 14 countries, with the final entry reading simply, “Trinidad AND Tobago.”

The list, unveiled in preparation for Trump’s upcoming Liberation Day ceremony, included the usual suspects—China, Mexico, Canada, and Japan—before expanding to major European and Asian exporters such as Germany, South Korea, and Vietnam. But the real controversy erupted when the final entry appeared to count Trinidad and Tobago as two separate trade offenders.

Reporters quickly questioned the numerical discrepancy, prompting an avalanche of increasingly bizarre explanations from Trump’s top officials.

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick attempted to spin the issue, claiming that the confusion was actually a testament to Trump’s keen economic instincts. “What the President understands, which most so-called experts do not, is that Trinidad and Tobago function as two distinct economic entities in terms of trade policy,” Lutnick stated confidently. “It’s a revolutionary approach to geopolitics.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer insisted the list was intentionally incomplete. “People need to stop focusing on numbers,” he said. “This administration doesn’t do weak, low-energy lists of 15. This is a strong, muscular list of 14. It’s like how Trump Tower skips the 13th floor. You don’t need to count every number if you’re winning.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, for her part, accused the media of overanalyzing what she called “a classic Trump power move.” “President Trump doesn’t make mistakes. If he said 15, then there are 15. Maybe the 15th country is so bad, so unbelievably corrupt, that it can’t even be named. Maybe it’s hiding. Maybe it’s a metaphor,” Leavitt suggested. “The fake news media will never understand this level of 5D chess.”

Despite the controversy, Trump doubled down on his claim, tweeting late Tuesday night on the eve of ‘Liberation Day’ and his first Rose Garden ceremony since being reelected: “I was the first to call out the totally unfair trade practices of BOTH Trinidad AND Tobago. Sleepy Joe wouldn’t even know where they are!!! SAD!!!”

Trinidad and Tobago’s ambassador to the U.S. responded diplomatically, stating, “We are, in fact, one nation. But we are honored that the President has placed such importance on our country—twice.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly drafting a new list of the “Terrible Ten” worst trade violators, which sources say includes Puerto Rico, Guam, and both Dakotas.

Josh Allen Stops at Air Force Academy on USO Tour, Calls It “The Toughest, Most Elite School in the Country”

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – As part of a USO-sponsored visit to military installations across the country, Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen stopped at the United States Air Force Academy (USAFA) this week, where he gave a speech to cadets and met with the Falcons football team inside their practice facility.

Addressing a packed audience of future Air Force officers, Allen didn’t hold back in his admiration for the academy’s rigorous standards.

“This is the toughest school to get into, no question about it,” Allen said, nodding as cadets cheered in agreement. “It takes a different kind of person to make it here. You can’t just be a great student, you can’t just be a great athlete—you have to be both, and then some.”

Allen, who played against Air Force multiple times while quarterbacking the Wyoming Cowboys, reflected on how those games shaped his view of the academy’s football program and its players.

“There’s no team more disciplined, no team that plays harder. You can feel it when you’re out there—every guy knows exactly what he’s doing. They don’t take plays off. They don’t beat themselves. That’s why you guys win so many Commander-in-Chief’s Trophies,” Allen said, referring to the annual competition among the service academies. “I’ve played against a lot of tough teams, but Air Force? Different breed.”

Before wrapping up, Allen shared his thoughts on the academy’s place among its peers.

“I’ve got all the respect in the world for the other academies too, over in West Point and Baltimore. Future leaders, great Americans,” Allen said. Then, with a grin, he added, “But if I could send my kid to one school? It’d be USAFA. It’s just better. No grunt dynamics. No questionable goat stuff. Just pure greatness like I see here today in these fine men and women. I mean, look, you gotta be smarter than people who opted to be trapped on a boat for months at a time, right?”

When asked later if he planned to visit any other academies, Allen smiled and said his USO schedule was “pretty full” but added, “I mean, we started here for a reason, right?”

Booz Allen Hamilton Implements Six-Day Workweek for Defense Contractors Due to DOGE Mandates

April 1, 2025 – In response to new directives from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), Booz Allen Hamilton, Artemis, and AOG have announced in a joint press released that their defense contractors will be required to work a six-day workweek starting May 01, 2025. The change is part of a broader push by the government to streamline operations and accelerate project timelines in the defense sector.

The six-day workweek, which will primarily affect employees working on government defense contracts, is a direct result of DOGE’s increased focus on boosting productivity while reducing costs. The department, led by Elon Musk’s efficiency initiative, has been actively enforcing stricter deadlines and cost-cutting measures across federal contractors. This latest move comes as part of DOGE's larger overhaul of defense procurement processes.

“We recognize that this is a significant shift, but in order to meet the Department of Defense’s evolving needs, this change is necessary," said Horacio Rozanski, CEO of Booz Allen Hamilton. "This adjustment will ensure that we remain at the forefront of the defense industry, ready to deliver quality work faster and more efficiently than ever before."

The new six-day workweek will require employees to extend their work hours to accommodate the accelerated schedules set by DOGE. Contractors will be expected to adjust their work schedules accordingly, with the first full week under the new policy set to begin on May 01, 2025.

While some employees have expressed concerns about the increased workload, others are taking a more positive view of the change. Tatt Makanen, a Booz Allen Hamilton employee and U.S. Air Force veteran, said he’s looking forward to the additional time to thoroughly assess the defense funding plans that will shape the future of the military.

“Having the extra day in the week will give my colleagues the opportunity to dive deeper into the funding proposals, conduct deep analysis, and make sure that every dollar is being used effectively,” said Makanen. “As a taxpayer, with the increasing pressure on defense budgets, it's more important than ever that we are meticulous about how resources are allocated, and I’m glad BAH and others are aligned with this administration’s priorities. Plus my kids and wife are kind of annoying after a while. Two-days with them is too much. I’m sure others will agree with this policy once it goes into effect.”

Despite the positive outlook from some employees like Makanen, others have raised concerns about the toll the extended workweek might take on their personal lives. “Did Tatt Makanen mention he’s leaving before this policy goes into effect!?” one angry co-worker asked your correspondent. “No? Incredible.” Critics further worry that the pressure to meet DOGE's high expectations could lead to burnout and decrease morale among workers, especially those who are already managing demanding workloads.

BAH, Artemis, and AOG have reassured employees that they will continue to provide support and resources to help them manage the increased demands. The companies are also reportedly looking into additional programs to maintain employee well-being during this challenging transition like Zoom-bedtime appointments with kids and other exciting virtual parenting options.

As the defense contracting industry continues to evolve under the guidance of DOGE, these government contractors are positioning themselves as allies to the new adminstration with these new standards. With the six-day workweek set to begin soon, all eyes will be on how the transition unfolds and whether it can maintain the balance between meeting government expectations and ensuring employee satisfaction.

Panda Express Files for Bankruptcy, Leaving Fate of Orange Chicken Recipe in Legal Limbo

ROSEMEAD, CA — In a stunning blow to fast-food lovers nationwide, Panda Express has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, citing mounting debt, rising ingredient costs, and what executives are calling the "crippling burden" of America’s growing preference for "real Chinese food."

While the news of the beloved chain’s financial struggles is devastating on its own, the real tragedy may be the fate of Panda Express’ legendary orange chicken recipe, which is now entangled in a fierce legal battle between creditors, former executives, and even rival restaurant chains seeking to claim ownership.

“The company’s assets must be liquidated in an orderly fashion,” said U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Marvin Rollins in a Friday hearing. “Unfortunately, due to competing claims regarding intellectual property rights, Panda Express is prohibited from selling, transferring, or publicly releasing its proprietary recipes—including orange chicken—until further notice.”

The ruling effectively means that the exact formula for the chain’s iconic, sticky-sweet, crispy orange chicken is locked away indefinitely. Experts say this could be one of the most high-profile recipe disputes in history, surpassing even past legal fights over Coca-Cola’s secret formula and KFC’s 11 herbs and spices.

A Legal Food Fight

Sources close to the case indicate multiple parties have laid claim to the orange chicken recipe, including:

• Panda Express’ largest creditors, who argue that the recipe is a valuable asset that must be auctioned off to pay debts.

• Former Panda Express executives, who claim ownership under a 1990s corporate agreement.

• A mysterious “anonymous bidder” who legal insiders suspect may be a rival fast-food chain looking to bury the formula forever.

• The Panda Express founders’ estate, which insists that the recipe is part of the family’s culinary legacy and should not be commercially exploited.

Meanwhile, fast-food enthusiasts have taken to social media to express their shock and despair. “First we lost Toys ‘R’ Us, now we’re losing Panda Express? What’s next, Costco stopping free samples?” wrote one distraught user on X (formerly Twitter).

In a rare public statement, Panda Express co-CEO Andrew Cherng acknowledged the dire situation. “We are devastated,” he said. “We never imagined a world where Panda Express wouldn’t be serving orange chicken to hungry customers across America. But we must abide by the court’s decision, and for now, the recipe must remain undisclosed.”

A Black Market for Orange Chicken?

With Panda Express locations already closing across the country, panic is setting in among devoted fans, some of whom have begun stockpiling orange chicken in freezers. Others are frantically trying to reverse-engineer the dish, sharing increasingly desperate copycat recipes online.

“None of them taste right,” said 34-year-old Jeff Simmons, who has eaten orange chicken at least three times a week since high school. “They’re either too tangy, too sweet, or missing that thing I can’t put my finger on. I swear they put something addictive in there.”

Speculation is also rising that a black market for authentic Panda Express orange chicken may emerge, with rumors swirling that certain employees may be smuggling out batches of the sauce and selling it under-the-table.

What Happens Next?

For now, Panda Express customers are left in limbo, with no clear timeline for when—if ever—the chain’s most famous dish will return. Bankruptcy proceedings are expected to continue for months, meaning fans will have to look elsewhere for their quick-fix Chinese-American food cravings.

While some believe another company may eventually acquire the brand and revive its menu, others aren’t so sure. “Without orange chicken, what even is Panda Express?” asked longtime fan Melissa Carter. “That’s like McDonald’s without fries. Or Taco Bell without regret.”

Canadian Pop Star Tate McRae Denied Entry to U.S.

TORONTO, CANADA — In an unexpected development, Canadian pop sensation Tate McRae was reportedly turned away at the U.S. border this week, citing new immigration restrictions introduced under former President Donald Trump’s latest crackdown on visa holders.

McRae, whose hits like greedy and you broke me first have topped charts worldwide, was scheduled to perform in several U.S. cities before being stopped by Customs and Border Protection officers at an unspecified port of entry. Officials cited "increased scrutiny on foreign performers entering on non-immigrant work visas" as the reason for the hold-up, though sources suspect McRae may have been caught up in a much more targeted enforcement effort.

“We are simply conducting a routine security procedure involving one artist’s P-2 visa,” a DHS spokesperson said in a statement. “This has absolutely nothing to do with what Ms. McRae may or may not have said about President Trump.”

The statement immediately raised eyebrows, as no one had suggested McRae had said anything about Trump—until they did.

A Personal Vendetta?

While McRae has never been overtly political, some suspect that the sudden change in her immigration status may be tied to a 2019 interview where she jokingly referred to Trump as having “a vibe like a divorced dad who shows up late to pick you up and lies about why."

Trump, who has been known to hold grudges over far less, has personally intervened in visa policies before—most notably in 2020, when British boyband One Direction faced inexplicable delays in obtaining work permits after Harry Styles liked an Instagram post about Trump’s bad spray tan.

Adding fuel to the theory, McRae’s immigration difficulties come just days after Trump made a cryptic Truth Social post that read, “I never liked that little Canadian girl. Not a fan!!!” The message did not specify who he was referring to, but a follow-up post that read “Bieber? Ok. But this one? NOPE.” left little doubt.

McRae Responds

McRae’s representatives have so far declined to comment on the situation, but the singer posted a cryptic Instagram story featuring a photo of her luggage with the caption, “Guess I live here now ¯\(ツ)/¯” followed by the Canadian flag emoji.

Fans immediately took to social media to express their outrage, with the hashtag #FreeTate trending on X (formerly Twitter). Many users pointed out that the move comes amid broader concerns that Trump’s immigration policies may disproportionately affect Canadians with work visas, particularly those in industries he deems "unnecessary" or "too woke."

What Happens Next?

For now, McRae’s U.S. tour dates remain uncertain, with legal experts scrambling to determine whether the ruling can be appealed. In the meantime, several Canadian venues have offered to host "backup concerts" for American fans willing to travel north of the border.

At press time, Trump had posted yet another cryptic message, stating, "A lot of these people, they don’t even sing LIVE, folks. Not great! Not great!"

McRae has yet to respond.

Special Report: The Decaying of America — This Week: San Diego

SAN DIEGO, CA — Across the nation, cities are grappling with rising crime, homelessness, and a creeping sense of disorder. Many long-time residents fear that urban America is becoming less livable, less safe, and less reflective of the values it once held dear.

This week, a new case study has emerged—not in the struggling downtown core, but in the quaint, family-friendly Kensington neighborhood of San Diego.

In what some see as a sign of cultural decline, a high-end “gentlemen’s lounge”—a polite euphemism used on city permits—has opened its doors on the 4444 block of El Cajon Blvd and Copeland Ave, just steps from quiet streets known for their well-kept bungalows and walkable charm.

The establishment, called Les Girls DeuXXX, is the second venture from notorious, Parisian entrepreneur Jacqueline Follet, who is expanding after what she describes as the "runaway success" of her first club, Les Girls, in the Midway District.

“I’m thrilled to bring our services to a community that values safety, walkability, and a certain sophistication,” Follet said at the club’s soft opening. “We’ve done the market research—they want this, even if they don’t know it yet.”

Locals Less Than Thrilled

Reactions from Kensington residents were swift and sharp.

“This is the beginning of a slippery slope,” said Paul Harrison, a 27-year Kensington homeowner. “You don’t put a place like this here unless you’re expecting everything else—the crime, the noise, the characters it attracts—to follow. I didn’t sign up for this when I bought my house.”

Others pointed to the mixed message it sends to young people.

“We tell young girls they can be doctors, engineers, or scientists,” said Miriam Escobar, a local elementary school teacher at nearby Franklin Elementary. “Then you open this two blocks from their neighborhood and expect them not to notice. This isn’t just a business—it’s a statement. And I don’t like what it’s saying.”

“Sex Work is Work,” Says Local Supporter

Not everyone is against the club. One man, who asked only to be identified by his initials, KP, was interviewed outside his Kensington home while surveying some damage to his chimney.

“The business provides financial independence and empowerment for the women that work there,” KP said, whipping soot from his hands after adjusting a loose chimney brick. Additionally, KP argued that the club’s presence could attract more visitors and increase local commerce. "The club could increase land values in the community.

More To Come?

Despite the neighborhood’s protests, Follet appears undeterred.

“People always push back at first,” she said, adjusting a rhinestone blazer. “But soon they realize we’re part of the fabric of the modern city. This is just the beginning.”

At press time, the Kensington Neighborhood Association was reportedly drafting a petition, while Follet was busy scouting new locations—including one rumored to be even closer to a highly regarded elementary school.

Judge Blocks Hurricane Evacuation over Environmental Concerns

Federal Judge Blocks Evacuation of Town in Hurricane’s Path Pending Environmental Impact Study

GULFPORT, MS — As Hurricane Beelzebub barrels toward the Mississippi coastline with 180 mph winds and a storm surge described by meteorologists as “biblical,” thousands of residents found themselves stranded after a federal judge issued a last-minute injunction preventing their evacuation.

Citing the need for a full environmental impact study before residents could flee the impending catastrophe, U.S. District Judge Marvin Langley ruled late Monday that state and local officials had failed to conduct a thorough review of how mass evacuations might affect local wetlands, migratory birds, and nearby protected shrimp habitats.

“I recognize that lives are at stake, but we must also consider the delicate balance of nature,” wrote Langley in his 62-page ruling, which was published just moments before emergency sirens began wailing throughout the city. “The court cannot, in good conscience, allow an unregulated exodus of vehicles and boats that could disturb crucial estuarine ecosystems, particularly without a federally mandated impact assessment.”

State officials, who had planned to move nearly 100,000 residents out of harm’s way, were blindsided by the decision. "We were about to activate the National Guard, FEMA, and all available emergency resources," said Mississippi Governor Tate Reynolds. "But apparently, Judge Langley is deeply concerned about whether emergency helicopters might disrupt some pelicans. So, now, instead of saving human lives, we're reviewing a 400-page request from the Sierra Club."

Local residents, already scrambling to secure their homes as floodwaters rose, were confused and horrified by the ruling. "I got a text alert saying ‘IMMEDIATE EVACUATION: CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE APPROACHING,'" said longtime Gulfport resident Walter Briggs. "Then I got another alert saying, ‘EVACUATION BLOCKED BY COURT ORDER: PLEASE STAY WHERE YOU ARE UNTIL STUDY COMPLETED.’ What the hell am I supposed to do with that?"

Meanwhile, environmental groups celebrated the ruling as a win for conservation efforts. "For too long, we've ignored the impact of human movement on our fragile ecosystems," said Natalie Thurston, spokesperson for the National Council for Environmental Protection. "While we sympathize with those affected, we have to consider the bigger picture—how do we ensure this hurricane has a minimal impact on the environment?"

As of press time, government agencies were scrambling to comply with the court order. The Army Corps of Engineers announced it had begun the required environmental review but estimated it would take six to eight months to complete. By that time, experts say, the town is likely to have either been completely obliterated or turned into a new coral reef.

Despite the widespread outrage, Judge Langley remained steadfast in his decision. "If we allow people to simply flee every time nature gets a little angry, we set a dangerous precedent," he wrote. "The storm will pass, but the damage from an unregulated evacuation could last for generations."

As emergency crews continued to struggle against the rising tide, the judge’s order was met with renewed frustration by local officials. “We’ve got people on rooftops, cars floating down Main Street, and an alligator in the Walmart parking lot,” said Fire Chief Gerald Swanson. “But sure, let’s make sure we fill out the proper forms first.”

At press time, residents were seen constructing homemade rafts from FEMA pamphlets while waiting for the court-mandated public comment period on whether they should be allowed to live.

Election Analysis: Rich Guys Still Republicans

Analysis Finds Bankers, Tech Workers, and Consultants Too Rich to Be Democrats, Despite Their Values

NEW YORK, NY — In a groundbreaking analysis released this week, political experts have discovered a disturbing trend: despite exhibiting all the values of traditional Democrats, high-earning bankers, consultants, and tech employees make so much money that they just can't help but lean Republican.

The study, which analyzed decades of political contributions, lifestyle choices, and tax filings, concludes that the combination of immense wealth and a desire to protect it from taxation makes it near impossible for this cohort to consistently support left-wing policies.

"Look, bankers are all about the environment, diversity, and the rights of the disenfranchised," says Bavid Desuden, a partner at CDH Consulting. "But at the end of the day, if a few more Gazans need to die to lower my marginal tax rate five basis points, well, that’s a deal I’m willing to take. Hell, I’d settle for two basis points."

While many assumed that financiers and tech moguls would naturally align with the progressive policies of the left, the findings show that the sheer amount of money they make and the ways they protect it fundamentally conflict with the party’s core principles.

"At the end of the day, I really like the idea of a woman's right to choose," said Jordan Fisk, a senior VP at Morgan Stanley, "but I’d also like to choose what to do with my own money even more."

Fisk, like many of his peers, admits that while he’s “all in” for corporate diversity initiatives, it’s hard to turn a blind eye to things like the carried interest deduction, which allows investment managers to pay a lower tax rate on their earnings. "Look, I’m interested in DEI...but I also care about the carried interest deduction; now that really piques my interest," he added, casually throwing a $1,000 bottle of champagne into his cart while shopping in an upscale Manhattan store.

This conflict has long puzzled both Democratic and Republican strategists, who have struggled to categorize the financial elite.

"For years, I thought these guys were Democrats," said Elise Donovan, a long-time DNC strategist. "They donate to progressive causes, talk a big game about climate change, and have huge diversity training budgets. But when you really break it down, it’s clear: they make too much money to be anything other than Republicans."

As one anonymous banker put it, "I feel for the working class. But when you’re pulling in a 13-figure salary, those $15 minimum wage proposals just seem a little too real for comfort, y’know?"

As consultants, bankers, and tech workers grapple with the contradictions in their political identities, the study found that many have reconciled their values by channeling their political donations and votes to the party that best serves their financial interests.

"I’m a huge fan of healthcare for all," said Tim Verlander, a 39-year-old software developer in Silicon Valley, "but I’m an even bigger fan of my stock options, which are about to vest this week. So, you know, I gotta make sure I’m doing what’s best for my portfolio."

Even within the consulting industry, which prides itself on providing strategic, unbiased recommendations, there’s a noticeable shift to the right as money continues to talk louder than policy.

“Most of the consultants I know love the idea of universal basic income,” said Desuden, “but when it’s time to really focus on our interests, that UBI better come with some tax breaks on capital gains—like, a lot of tax breaks.”

This phenomenon has left political pundits scrambling to reconcile the behaviors of these high-earning professionals with their supposed political leanings.

"I just don’t get it," said Jeremy Stiller, a Democratic strategist. "At first, we thought they were just a little confused about economic policy. Maybe they didn’t understand how their wealth was being generated. But now we know: they’re just too rich to stay in our camp. It’s like watching someone try to sit in a lifeboat while their yacht drifts away."

For many in the group, the real test came during the 2024 elections. “I was torn,” said Fisk. “I care about the environment, I really do. But if the Republicans keep their hands off my dividends and promise to repeal that corporate tax hike, well... that's a deal I just can’t pass up.”

Desuden summed up the dilemma succinctly: "At the end of the day, do I want a world where people have healthcare, or a world where my business can offshore some more operations and my taxes stay low? It’s really a tough call. But I'll take the second one."

As more and more techies, bankers, and consultants publicly state their preference for tax cuts over progressive policies, it’s clear that this group’s political identity crisis is far from over. "The Democrats can keep talking about the working class," said Verlander, "but I'm working on my third startup, and I need to focus on that right now."

Trump Slams “DEI in Marriage,” Blames Wokeness for Ruining Dating Pool

Mar-a-Lago, FL – At a recent rally-slash-fundraiser-slash-merchandise clearance sale, former president Donald Trump took an unexpected detour into relationship advice, lamenting what he called “the woke mind virus” infecting the dating world.

“We have all these big, beautiful men—believe me when I say beautiful. I was in charge of Miss America, okay? I know beautiful. And these tall, strong, athletic, successful men cannot find women today,” Trump said, shaking his head. “Now it’s just single moms and fatties and uggos. Not like the old days, folks.”

Trump blamed Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) policies for the so-called decline in American romance. “Women used to pick the best guys—real winners, like me. Now they’re doing DEI. They’re hiring more Blacks, more Latinos. You look at the data—LGBT roles, record numbers. It’s a disaster,” he continued, referencing no known data.

Trump then suggested that America might need to “import” more wives, as he did. “Listen, I had to go overseas last time. A lot of guys do it. We might have to bring back mail-order brides. Maybe we do a Trump Wife Visa, very exclusive. Only the best models, the best chefs—none of this feminism, none of this ‘equal partner’ nonsense. America first, folks.”

Political analysts were unsure whether Trump’s remarks were part of a new policy proposal or just an unusually unhinged late-night grievance session. However, sources close to the former president confirmed that aides have been instructed to draft legislation tentatively titled the “Make Marriage Great Again Act,” which would include incentives for women to “stay hot” and avoid hiring minorities in their small businesses.

As the crowd cheered, Trump promised that “when I’m back in the White House, we’re bringing back real couples, real romance—like in the 1950s, but without the ugly parts. Only the good stuff.”

At press time, Melania Trump was unavailable for comment.

Good Riddance

U.S. Government Cracks Down on Naturalized Australians, Citing ‘Once a Criminal, Always a Criminal’ Policy

WASHINGTON—In a bold new national security initiative, the U.S. government has announced plans to aggressively scrutinize and potentially purge naturalized American citizens from Australia, citing the inescapable criminal lineage of their ancestors.

“Frankly, it’s just genetics,” said Pentagon spokesperson Lt. Col. Mark Riggs at a press conference on Tuesday. “We’re dealing with a population that descends entirely from convicts. Science tells us that criminality runs in the blood, and quite frankly, we’ve been too lenient for too long.”

The initiative, officially named Operation Penal Recall, will begin by targeting the U.S. military, where government sources claim Australians are “unusually easy to identify” due to their awkward whiteness and inability to suppress an occasional ‘G’day.’

“We’ve seen them infiltrate every branch of the armed forces,” said one senior defense official who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “They try to blend in, but at the end of the day, they can’t resist saying ‘mate’ or questioning why we don’t put beetroot on burgers. It’s a real security concern.”

Critics have decried the move as unconstitutional and absurd, noting that it criminalizes people based on distant ancestry and outdated stereotypes. However, officials remain steadfast, pointing to data that they say proves a troubling pattern.

“Look at the behavior,” said Riggs. “Australians have been given American citizenship, yet what do they do? They insist on calling ketchup ‘tomato sauce,’ they drink instant coffee, and they laugh in the face of basic gun rights. If that’s not the behavior of a deeply ingrained criminal element, I don’t know what is.”

The government has already begun compiling a list of high-risk individuals, with rumored plans to expand the initiative to Australian celebrities and dual citizens. According to leaked documents, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, and even Crocodile Dundee himself are being “monitored closely.”

At press time, officials confirmed that a hotline has been set up for concerned Americans to report suspicious Australian behavior, particularly in grocery stores, where the accused have been known to request “proper” meat pies and complain about the lack of Vegemite.

Hillary Clinton Behind Signal Leak in Obvious False Flag

Hillary Clinton Somehow Behind Signal Leak That Exposed U.S. Military Operation Against Houthis, Experts Confirm

WASHINGTON—In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one should have seen coming, cybersecurity experts have confirmed that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is, in fact, the mastermind behind the recent Signal app leak that inadvertently disclosed classified U.S. military operations in Yemen to an Atlantic journalist.

“This has Clinton’s fingerprints all over it,” said one anonymous intelligence official, who has not ruled out the use of her private email server in orchestrating the scandal. “What we know is that a high-level U.S. military Signal chat discussing an operation against the Houthis was compromised, and somehow, the journalist’s number was added to the group chat. Now, is it more likely that this was a random clerical error by someone who doesn’t know how to use encrypted messaging apps—or that Hillary Clinton, the shadowy puppet master of deep-state intrigue, personally infiltrated the Signal database to make this happen? The answer is obvious.”

According to sources, the revelation has sent waves through Washington, reigniting old conspiracy theories, including the possibility that Clinton personally programmed autocorrect to change “General” to “Jeffrey Goldberg” whenever the military tried to send a group invite.

“Honestly, this is classic Hillary,” said Tucker Remington, a political analyst who once got 500,000 likes on a tweet about Benghazi. “She loves three things: secretly running the entire U.S. government from the shadows, getting American operations exposed, and using technology she definitely doesn’t understand to do it.”

Investigators are now combing through Clinton’s emails, her private residence, and an unmarked van they swear she’s driving at all times to identify additional evidence of her involvement. Some theorists suggest she may have also engineered the Signal app itself as a long-term scheme, patiently waiting years for the perfect moment to strike.

Meanwhile, Clinton has denied any involvement, calling the accusations “beyond ridiculous.” However, experts argue that her attempt to act nonchalant is only further proof of her guilt. “If she didn’t do it, why isn’t she panicking?” asked one Senate staffer. “She’s too calm. That’s exactly what she would do if she was guilty.”

At press time, reports indicated that the Atlantic journalist in question had also mysteriously received a friend request from Clinton on LinkedIn, which some believe to be her subtle way of claiming responsibility.

DOGE Overcoming (Dumb) Haters

Department of Government Efficiency Announces Massive Budget Savings By Firing Half Its Leaders Before Existing

WASHINGTON—In a groundbreaking achievement for bureaucratic streamlining, the newly formed Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced today that it has already slashed billions from the federal budget—primarily by cutting 50% of its leadership positions before the agency was even officially established.

“We are setting a new standard for efficiency,” said Acting DOGE Secretary Chad McCutcheon, speaking from an empty office that used to house 12 deputy assistants to the associate director of paperwork reduction. “By eliminating leadership roles that had not yet been created, we have already reduced future government waste by an estimated $48 trillion over the next five decades. And that’s just the beginning.”

The department, founded last Tuesday, has already identified additional cost-saving measures, including canceling all unnecessary stapler purchases through 2093 and replacing all government vehicles with bicycles “for those who believe in America.” Future projections indicate that, by 2035, DOGE will have reduced government inefficiency to such a degree that federal spending will be negative, and the government will actually start making money just by existing.

However, the department’s bold vision has not been met without opposition. Critics have called DOGE’s claims “mathematically impossible,” “insane,” and “a surrealist joke that somehow got appropriations funding.” In response, DOGE leadership has clarified that anyone who doubts its mission is clearly anti-efficiency, unpatriotic, and, in some cases, possibly racist.

“Studies show that people who oppose DOGE are 83% more likely to be dumb and 97% more likely to hate puppies,” said Deputy Undersecretary for Strategic Belt-Tightening, Janet Quimby. “We’re not saying they should be exiled, but we’re not not saying that either.”

Despite the criticism, DOGE remains committed to its mission, with future initiatives including the creation of a time-travel-based budgetary oversight committee that will eliminate waste before it happens and the introduction of a ‘pay your own salary’ initiative for all federal employees.

At press time, DOGE had announced an additional $9 trillion in savings simply by deciding not to exist on Sundays.

JD Vance and 9/11

MAGA’s ‘2025 Upcoming Conspirator Award’ Winner Nick Meyer Finds Link Between JD Vance’s Wife and 9/11

ST. LOUIS—Nick Meyer, an up-and-coming conspiracy theorist and self-described “elite thinker of the ascendent MAGA Right,” has sent shockwaves through the internet by allegedly uncovering a previously unknown connection between JD Vance’s wife and the September 11th attacks—a link he claims is hidden somewhere between Vance himself and the real temperature at which steel fails.

Meyer, a computer scientist based in what he calls “shit-hole St. Louis,” has recently skyrocketed to prominence in conspiracy circles after being awarded the prestigious ‘2025 Upcoming Conspirator Award’ at this year’s MAGA Deep State Symposium. His latest theory, which he revealed during an impassioned 45-minute Rumble livestream filmed from his car, draws an intricate web between structural engineering anomalies, globalist interference, and the fact that Vance’s wife, Usha, is, according to Meyer, “suspiciously not white.”

“Look, I’m just asking questions,” Meyer said, his voice rising as he held up a blurry printout of a Wikipedia page on thermodynamics. “We know they’ve been lying to us about the melting point of steel for decades. Jet fuel? Come on. And now we have JD Vance—Ohio senator, total patriot, except, oops, his wife is an Indian lawyer with ties to the global elite? This is Deep State 101, people!”

Meyer claims that the conspiracy traces back to the exact moment when JD Vance publicly revised his position on Donald Trump, a shift that—according to Meyer’s unverified, hand-drawn flowchart—coincided exactly with a series of unexplained structural failures in lower Manhattan buildings in 2001. “The timing is too perfect,” he insisted, while underlining the word ‘coincidence’ aggressively on a legal pad. “And when you factor in the globalist law firms, the Yale connection, and the steel industry’s long-standing ties to, well, steel, it’s all there.”

Mainstream journalists have dismissed the claims as “pure nonsense,” “beyond parody,” and “the kind of thing that gives Alex Jones indigestion,” but Meyer’s theory has gained traction in some corners of the right-wing internet. MAGA influencers, including former MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell and Twitter personality ‘Eagle1776RealPatriot,’ have voiced their support, with Lindell calling Meyer “the most important American thinker since Thomas Paine.”

At press time, Meyer was reportedly working on a follow-up theory connecting Nikki Haley to the moon landing hoax using nothing but a TI-83 calculator and an old episode of Seinfeld.